DayTom Parry, I never lie on my CVbecause it creases it. Jenny Collier, If you dont know what introspection is you need to take a long, hard look at yourselfIan Smith, I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one timeTom Ward, Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything loved it. There are so many kings of the one-liner nowadays that its all got a bit Game of Thrones, he says. The way nationalities have different takes on the same thing. If its that dark, light a candle. Phil Cornwell, The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. You know what your boss was trying to say? 1965 was the year in which Malcolm X was assassinated and the year of the Watts Riots. If you eat one apple a day for 80 years, you won't die young. 50 of the best lines from Peep Show I was the only thing between H and JK. Simon Evans, Im entering the worlds tightest hat competition. I said to him Dont be Sicily. Tim Vine, Never Apologise! What do you call a pig that knows karate? Unfortunately, no pun in 10 did. 30 of the best-ever jokes about Scotland from Scotland, 64 of the funniest Seinfeld quotes to sum up everyday life I went to the doctors the other day and he said: Go to Bournemouth, its great for flu. So I went and I got it. Some of his memorable moments in comedy include when he went on a tour in the UK in 2003, in support of Jerry Sadowitz. Ironically, thats how he lost his job in disaster relief.Mark Watson (2014), I really wish ISIS would stop playing violent video games and listening to Marilyn Manson. Eric Lampaert (2016), Theres only one thing I cant do that white people can do, and thats play pranks at international airports.Nish Kumar (2014), How do people make new mates? 20 of Malcolm Tuckers most cutting insults I thought it was quite a clever title, but quite a few times Ive turned up at venues and seen that my posters have been have graffitied to say Ginsters Paradise instead. Gary Delaney is currently on his UK Gary in Punderland tour. I said, "No, wait! Watch as many good comics as you can. Its all right for 10 minutes, then you start to feel sick Andrew Lawrence (2008), Doctor, doctor! Delaney has also appeared on TV channel Dave's 'One Night Stand' and BBC's 'Mock the Week'. How do you know if theres an elephant under your bed? Could be a Chinese Wispa. Rob Auton (2013), I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. Nick Helm (2011), Crash Investigations is my favourite TV show, Ive seen every episode. The first,. I said, Yes, of course. Best jokes from. I hardly ever visit Syria. Alex Horne(2014), Life is like a box of chocolates. And Bottomhorse. Dan Antopolski (2017), Oregon leads America in both marital infidelity and clinical depression. After that, he went downhill fast. Gary Delaney Live at the Apollo ArseRaptor 141K subscribers Subscribe 3.4K 480K views 4 years ago Are you feeling in a giving mood? Gary Delaney - Pundamentalist Gary Delaney, one-liner extraordinaire, has appeared on shows like Mock The Week and written for the likes of Jimmy Carr, Jason Manford, and James Corden. 25 hilarious dad jokes youve probably never heard before He was too clothes minded. Hes not dead, just very condescending.Jack Whitehall (2009), Looking at my face is like reading in the car. Hes bisatchel. Never Explain! Sorry, thats my motto. Chris Turner, I remember doing security at the Brits a few years back when it all kicked off between Steps and Jamiroquai. My Uncles a lion tamer, when he went bankrupt they took nearly everything, but at least hes still got his pride. I found out she was seeing someone on the side. To the moo-vies! But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you cant have your kayak and heat it. The worst thing about living next door to MC Hammer is the constant DIY noise. We dont want your type in here.. ' Stewart Francis, Im sure wherever my Dad is, hes looking down on us. But some of us are short. Lou Sanders (2018), Someone stole my antidepressants. But my husband wouldnt let me. RiaLina (2014), One thing youll never hear a Hindu say Ah well, you only live once.Hardeep Singh Kohli (2014), My Dad told me to invest my money in bonds. 105.2. Its been 11 years since Dave launched the Funniest Joke of the Fringe award, and there have been some worthy winners over the years. Gary Delaney | Ruthless One Liners Hot Water Comedy Club 184K subscribers Join 6.5K 566K views 11 months ago Hot Water Comedy All Stars is now on a UK tour coming to a city near you -. Sorry, something's gone wrong. Because you can see right through them! A milk shake! It takes me a loooong time to write a show with this many jokes in, he goes on. 40 of the funniest jokes about Brexit 50 of Tim Vines most ingenious jokes and one-liners A native of Solihull, Gary is an Economics scholar who studied at the London School of Economics before he ventured into comedy. Body like a Greek statue completely pale, no arms. Phil Wang, If God had written the Bible, the first line should have been Its round. Always listen to the audience, they ultimately decide what is funny and they will tell you who you are, and what you should be saying., Gary Delaney plays the Cornerstone Didcot on Saturday. ' Paul F. Taylor (2016), If you dont know what introspection is, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself. Ian Smith (2015), Insomnia is awful. 26 of Stewart Lees most gloriously acerbic jokes It doesnt last long if youre fat.Joe Lycett(2014), I was thinking of running a marathon, but I think it might be too difficult getting all the roads closed and providing enough water for everyone. Jordan Brookes (2016), You cant lose a homing pigeon. Delaney is a married man. Review your material constantly. Where do cows go for entertainment? What a sad state of affairs. Paul Savage (2017), Im very conflicted by eye tests. Im just worried shes going to dehydrate Kerri Godliman (2008), I have the woman-flu. Hes not dead, just very condescending.Jack Whitehall, Trumps nothing like Hitler. 25 of Rik Mayalls greatest quotes But Ive got the ins and outs. Iain Stirling(2014), Today I did seven press ups: not in a row. Daniel Kitson (2012), Stephen Hawking had his first date for 10 years last week. The study of why triangular sandwiches taste better is known as trigonom-nom-nomnometry. He came back, his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees; apparently she stood him up! Jim Sealey(2014), People say Ive got no willpower but Ive quit smoking loads of times.Kai Humphries(2014), My friend got a personal trainer a year before his wedding. We came to the mutual agreement that she would marry her ex boyfriend. Brett Goldstein (2013), My mother told me, you dont have to put anything in your mouth you dont want to. I hear you ask. Jordan Brookes (2016), I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister. Will Marsh (2012), I bought myself some glasses. Read more: Red, Red Wine to flow at Blenheim Palace as festival given a reggae twist. I thought: Bloody hell, how longs the aisle going to be. Paul McCaffrey(2014), Golf is not just a good walk ruined, its also the act of hitting things violently with a stick ruined. John Luke-Roberts (2016), Feminism is not a fad. So how does it feel to be so popular? Thanks for explaining the word many to me, it means a lot. Sorry mate. I realised that the other day inside my fort. Zach Galifianakis, I used to work at McDonalds making minimum wage. But it depends how you look at it. Felicity Ward, My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. He sent in 10 different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. 100 of Homer Simpsons greatest quotes Site by Chook, Pundamentalist: 1,000 jokes you probably haven't heard before. none. A milk shake! Something bad is about to happen I can feel it. I cant remember what its for and I never use it anyway. Mary Bourke (2012), Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy? The study of why triangular sandwiches taste better is known as trigonom-nom-nomnometry. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Wouldnt it just be easier to talk to a woman? Stephen Brown (2008), If you arrive fashionably late in Crocs, youre just late. Joel Dommett(2014), I cant exercise for long periods. Ironically, thats how he lost his job in disaster relief. Mark Watson, Apparently smoking cannabis can affect your short term memory. Are you sure you want to delete this comment? Riveting! Stewart Francis, 100 of the best knock knock jokes (some of which are actually funny), People who like trance music are very persistent. But on the plus side only three more sleeps till Christmas. Robert Garnham (2017), Centaurs shop at Topman. SEP 05 2020 Harrogate Theatre, Pingback: Trevor Noah Bio, Age, Real Name, Parents, Net Worth and The Daily Show, Pingback: Ilana Glazer Biography, Age, Brother, Husband, The Planet is Burning, Tour, Pingback: Sarah Millican Biography, Age, Husband, Books, Net Worth and Comedy, Email: Because they use honey combs! SHARE. What do you expect? Red Dwarf: 30 of the funniest quotes and one-liners My girlfriend's dog died and to cheer her up I bought her an identical one. I listen to people talking and how they use language, he says. Gary Delaney. Ground beef! I find them quite re-markable. This one's all about . Looking for a side hustle? Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards. Sarah Millican, My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. 25 of Peter Kays most ingenious jokes and one-liners Thats the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap. Im a big fan of whiteboards. Gary Delaney: Comedy Club Classics 2000-2013 A Full Show of one-liners live @Hot Water Comedy Club Video 2019 54 m YOUR RATING Rate Comedy Add a plot in your language Writer Gary Delaney Star Gary Delaney See production, box office & company info Add to Watchlist Photos Add photo Top cast Edit Gary Delaney Self Writer Gary Delaney All cast & crew 50 of Terry Wogan and Graham Nortons most scathing Eurovision quotes However, the best joke writer in the world right now is Anthony Jeselnik in the States.. Did you hear about the two silk worms in a race? 26 of Stewart Lees most gloriously acerbic jokes What do you call a cow with no legs? If I knew that we wouldnt need the bloody phone. Lee Evans, I doubt theres a heaven; I think the people from hell have probably bought it for a timeshare. Victoria Wood, I said to the gym instructor: Can you teach me to do the splits?He said: How flexible are you?I said: I cant make Tuesdays. Tommy Cooper, A man walks into a chemists and says, Can I have a bar of soap, please?The chemist says, Do you want it scented?And the man says, No, Ill take it with me now. Data returned from the Piano 'meterActive/meterExpired' callback event. Used to take it to the pictures and that. Gary Delaney is a stand-up comedian and writer from the United Kingdom. 50 of Frankie Boyles funniest (and darkest) jokes Its a Saturday.Dominic Frisby (2016), Whenever I see a man with a beard, moustache and glasses, I think, Theres a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of himCarey Marx (2008), Miley Cyrus. This morning I made a Belgian waffle, in the afternoon I made a Frenchman talk rubbish. Why did the teddy bear say no to dessert? Earn 1000 to grow your eyelashes! Im a lot more sporty than I look, in fact I picked up a little niggle at the gym the other day, I mean he pronounces it Nigel. Here are 110 of the best jokes and one-liners of all time, compiled from our own selection of round-ups, and taken from the mouths of comedy legends past and present. My first special 'Comedy Club Classics 2000-2013' is available for free to everyone on my mailing list. Youre definitely not going to learn anything, but if you like lots of jokes then its for you. 25 of the funniest ever Still Game quotes More . Age One Liners. Learn how your comment data is processed. One of the most sought after joke writers in the country and longstanding Mock the Week special guest, Gary has been through the laughing glass and he's ready to bring you a brand new show with hit after hit of the kind of one-liners only a master could craft. Then I realised I dont have a a DVD player. Youre the number one loser! Suggs just asked me what my preferred pronouns are. A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train load of terrapins. 25 of the funniest ever Still Game quotes She said, Two or three. That is wrong on so many different levels.Tim Vine, I picked up a hitch hiker. I backed a horse last week at 10 to one. The reason for that is because he only has one arm. Andrew Ryan (2016), I am writing a film script about going back in time to stop Hitlers parents meeting at the Austrian Enchantment Under The Sea dance. Thats me in the corner. Milton Jones, Someone showed me a photograph of my local MP the other day.Would you buy a second-hand car from this man? they asked.Would you buy a second-hand car? I replied. Miles Jupp, With stand-up in Britain, what you have to do is bloody swearing. Your head hits the ceiling! So I bought 100 copies ofGoldfinger. Nick Hall (2015), Ive decided to stop masturbating, since then Ive not really felt myself. Tom Toal (2015), I always thought Trojan was a bad name for a condom brand because of course the Trojans were a people whose lives were ruined when a vessel containing little warriors unexpectedly exploded inside their city walls.Jonny Lennard(2014), My wife told me: Sex is better on holiday. That wasnt a nice postcard to receive.Joe Bor(2014), The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. All Edit Gary Delaney: Comedy Club Classics 2000-2013 A Full Show of one-liners live @Hot Water Comedy Club (2019 Video) Quotes It looks like we don't have any Quotes for this title yet. Most one-liners are reverse engineered, and start with something you hear. Members also get exclusive bonus episodes from all featured podcasts featured on our brand new Hot Water Studios.Live Stream schedule - https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLk3dQ67cxDLHFWfD_V6j1kwFCb6ZvqUNbMember only content - https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=UUMOG1QXvv8CME3I6yts0IevTAFor Hot Water Comedy Club tickets, social media and information about our brand new 2022 venue please check out our mini website - https://linktr.ee/hotwatercomedyclub And dont apologise, ever. No one lost ahead of you! Jerry Seinfeld, We werent very religious. Now, for the first time, comes this collection of his finest 3,000 jokes. Be the first to contribute! I bought my nephew a caterpillar cake without checking the best before date, so now hes got a butterfly cake. But pressure is good. Gary Delaney "I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. Port Sunlight, Gladstone Theatre ' Eddie Izzard, I bought myself some glasses. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? So we stopped playing chess.Matt Kirshen (2011), 100 of the funniest ever jokes and best one-liners, 50 Edinburgh Fringe one-liners that deserved to win Funniest Joke, 100 of the funniest short jokes and one-liners, 100 of the best clean jokes and one-liners that will make everyone laugh, 100 of the best bad jokes that will make you cringe, 31 Best Man speech jokes that will work for any wedding, The 50 Best Jokes of the Edinburgh Fringe 2017, I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time. Tom Ward (2015), I really wanted kids when I was in my early 20s but I could just never lure them into my car. 25 of Lee Macks wittiest jokes and one-liners 27 of Sarah Millicans laugh out loud jokes 25 of Peter Kays most ingenious jokes and one-liners, 26 of Stewart Lees most gloriously acerbic jokes, 17 of Ken Dodds most ingeniously funny jokes, 27 of Sarah Millicans laugh out loud jokes, 50 of Jimmy Carrs funniest jokes and one-liners, 50 of Milton Joness most ingenious jokes and one-liners, 50 of Tim Vines most ingenious jokes and one-liners, 50 of Frankie Boyles funniest (and darkest) jokes, 25 of Charlie Brookers most cutting jokes and insults, 25 of Lee Macks wittiest jokes and one-liners, 75 of Billy Connollys best jokes, one-liners and quips, 30 of the best-ever jokes about Scotland from Scotland, 20 of the most absurdly funny quotes from Nathan Barley, 39 of the greatest Brass Eye and Day Today quotes, 25 of the most outrageous Summer Heights High quotes, 25 of the funniest ever Still Game quotes, Red Dwarf: 30 of the funniest quotes and one-liners, Derry Girls: 35 of the funniest quotes and one-liners, 25 of the most cantankerous Martin Crane quotes from Frasier, 25 of the most textbook Alan Partridge quotes, 20 of The Young Ones most gloriously silly quotes, 20 of Malcolm Tuckers most cutting insults, 25 of the greatest Absolutely Fabulous quotes, darling, The 20 most nonsensical quotes from the W1A team, 50 of the funniest Friends quotes and jokes, Tories fear 'lurch to the right' after election defeat, with Badenoch among favourites to lead, 'We have a trauma bond': Life after The Traitors. My observational comedy improved.Sara Pascoe (2014), You know youre working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.Rob Beckett (2012), Most of my life is spent avoiding conflict. If you're hunting for snark, Gary's got it covered! The stand-ups I admire the most are all gag-men, people who could write a really good short funny joke, he says. I thought: 'This could be interesting.'" Paddy Lennox "I'm sure. Without pressure Id still be a conference organiser!, Talent is abundant, the willingness to work hard is rare, he says. But Ive got the ins and outs. Iain Stirling, Roses are red, violets are blue, Im a schizophrenic, and so am I. Billy Connolly, My mother told me, you dont have to put anything in your mouth you dont want to. The reception was brilliant. 20 of Malcolm Tuckers most cutting insults Gary Delaney: Comedy Club Classics 2000-2013 A FULL SHOW of one-liners live @HotWaterComedyClubLiverpool - YouTube 0:00 / 53:33 Intro HOT WATER COMEDY CLUB - HARDMAN STREET Gary. Why did the man run around his bed? Age One Liners. How to describe the new Martin Luther King statue? As I was leaving, he said: Dont forget poobags!, I was like Alright, Gran, you can come as well.. Those ads you do see are predominantly from local businesses promoting local services. Gary Delaney: Comedy Club Classics 2000-2013 A Full Show of one-liners live @Hot Water Comedy Club (Video 2019) on IMDb: Movies, TV, Celebs, and more. 100 of the best bad jokes that will make you cringe Dinner is on me! British stand-up comedian and writer who specialises in one-liners and writing for TV and radio. Be the first to contribute! A pork chop! I called this tour Gagsters Paradise because I wanted a title that let people know it had loads of jokes in, theres no story and no sad bits. Price: 18.00. Turnips with Tomas Lidakevicius launches Fight the system, 5 things about the Leicester Comedy Festival (8th 26th February), 5 things about Australian vocalist Jo Lawry, Five things about the Venice Film Festival Revisits London 3 5 February, Curzon Soho, The 5 days of Play-mas according to real-life UK clown Em Stroud to help banish SAD this winter, 5 Permits You Need Before Starting A New Building Project, 5 things to do today by English actress and voice actress Shelley Blond, Author and Historian Dr Nicola Tallis shares 5 things today for us, 5 things about Coppa Clubs Igloos offering a cosy refuge from the winter elements, 5 THINGS ABOUT BABY SLEEP SOCIETY, HOLISTIC BABY AND INFANT SLEEP CONSULTANTS IN TOOTING, LONDON, 5 things about Vitality Fitness- Specialists in Fitness and Wellbeing, West Molesey, Surrey, 5 things about The Fellows House, Curio Collection by Hilton, Cambridge, SING SONG MERRILY ON HIGH, WITH THE HIGHEST OUTDOOR CAROL CONCERT IN LONDON AT UP AT THE O2 3rd December, 5 things to do to increase your fertility by Fertility Coach & Hypnotherapist Karena Ackrill, Live Stand up with Whole Lotta Comedy, Surrey 5 things to do today, 5 things about Coworth Parks Festive Afternoon Tea, Ascot, Sunningdale, 5 things about Christmas Afternoon Tea at Pennyhill Park, Berkshire, Boogie Woogie through the capital with theJazzBoat on Sunday 13 November with Thames Clipper, 5 best things about the Inn Collection Group pubs and rooms, 5 things about the GCSE Physics revision site: Specification Focus Questions AQA GCSE Physics revision, 5 things to do today listed as one of Top 100 Blogs in the UK, 5 things to do at the Hotel Arts Barcelona, Spain, 5 things about Thames Ditton Bakery, Surrey, 5 things interview with Entertainer Brian Conley, Stylist and features presenter Emma Lightbown shares her 5 things to do today, 5 Ways BetterLivingSpace Surrey Can Enhance Your Home quote 5 Things To Do Today to benefit from up to a 20% reduction, Order a Monkfish and Chorizo skewer at Applebees Fish and Seafood Restaurant, Borough Market, London, THE RUSSELL HOWARD HOUR LANDS RARE INTERVIEW WITH GRETA THUNBERG, 5 things about event party hire, balloons & sleeping adventuresParty Power, Surrey, 5 things about Megans Cake Away, Virginia Water, Surrey, 5 things interview with Live At The Apollos Harriet Kemsley, 5 things to do today by Royal Historian Tracy Borman, Personal Growth Event Series with Star Line Up at Coppa Club, 5 things about Shake with Laughter at Londons Comedy Store in aid of Parkinsons UK, 5 things interview with singer, song writer and record producer Steve Hackett, Coppa by the Tower Launches New Happy Hour with Chateau Minuty this Summer, 5 things interview with Comedian Abby Howells, 5 Ways to boost childrens literacy this Summer, Saving Money In Your Manufacturing Company, 5 things interview with actress Hannah van der Westhuysen currently appearing in Autopilot at the Edinburgh Fringe, Times Where You Need To Lawyer Up (And What To Do), 5 things to do at the Runnymede on Thames Hotel and Spa (Close to Windsor and Heathrow Airport), 5 things about Coppa Club Between Streets Cobham Village, Surrey, Experience The Magic of Susona: Sirens Of The Shore, Private Storytelling Picnic. Youve got to when you hit them.Emo Philips, As a kid I was made to walk the plank. If it were on Radio 4, she should have said Dont forget the poobags. Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal. Paul F Taylor, This show is about perception and perspective. Hey, if I could pay you less, I would, but its against the law. Chris Rock, Love is like a fart. Did you hear about these new reversible jackets? Riveting!Stewart Francis, I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: Its not rocket salad.Lou Sanders, Crime in multi-storey car parks. Delaney has been in the comedy industry since the early 2000s. I could talk about classic card games all day. Aatif Nawaz (2016), People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.Abi Roberts (2016), I think children are like Marmite. Tories fear 'lurch to the right' after election defeat, with Badenoch among favourites to lead, 'We have a trauma bond': Life after The Traitors. But not on snow day. While much of his time is spent performing in front of the camera, he admits nothing comes close to playing live. This website uses cookies. Yup, his visa expired.Alexander Henry Buchanan-Dunlop(2014), I think jokes about learning difficulties are OK so long as theyre clever is like saying I think jokes about blind people are OK so long as theyre visual Brendon Burns (2013), I just bought underwater headphones and its made me loads faster. What has ears but cannot hear? Subscribe to our YouTube channel for more. A man walks into a bar with a roll of Tarmac under his arm and says: Pint please, and one for the road.. I shouted Stop! but if anything that made it worse. The group's self-titled second album spent seven weeks atop the U.S. charts, spun off three Top 5 hit singles, and won the Grammy Award for Album of the Year in 1970. JUN 27 2020 Funhouse Comedy Club Well see about that. From here it looks like its probably the Duke of EdinburghMilton Jones (2019), A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window), Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window), Click to share on Pinterest (Opens in new window), Click to share on LinkedIn (Opens in new window), Click to email a link to a friend (Opens in new window), Click to share on Reddit (Opens in new window), Click to share on Tumblr (Opens in new window), View fivethingstodotodays profile on Facebook. Do you know how motivating it is swimming to the theme song from Jaws? Im excited to see how they turn out. Twerking is what a Yorkshireman does to earn Twages. My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. A man ran up to me shouting, Big hole in the ground full of water, big hole in the ground full of water, but at least he means well. . 106K views, 466 likes, 14 loves, 123 comments, 429 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from LIVE at Hot Water Comedy Club: Gary Delaney | Fantastic One Liners! I hope he likes them. Is it OK that I start drinking as soon as the kids are at school? If you have to force it its probably shit. Stephen K. Amos(2014), I used to be addicted to swimming but Im very proud to say Ive been dry for six years.Alfie Moore(2013), My grandad has a chair in his shower which makes him feel old, so in order to feel young he sits on it backwards like a cool teacher giving an assembly about drugs. Rhys James (2016), My girlfriend is absolutely beautiful. Hence it became this joke: I went round Granddads to walk his dog. He woke up. Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email. 6. 45 of Ricky Gervais funniest jokes Edit, improve, tweak, experiment, keep what works. Red Dwarf: 30 of the funniest quotes and one-liners Famous in the comedy world for his perfectly formed jokes, how does he craft his gags? No one else can deliver jokes at such volume and velocity. Police arrested two kids yesterday. A Gannett Company. Contents 1 Early life 2 Career 3 Personal life 4 References 5 External links Early life [ edit] 25 of Rik Mayalls greatest quotes I took a poll recently and 100% of the people were quite annoyed that their tent had fallen down. Its called the Daily Mail. Hayley Ellis (2016), When I was younger I felt like a man trapped inside a womans body. On Hanukkah, my mother had our menorah on a dimmer. Richard Lewis, My girlfriend is absolutely beautiful. Ill tell you what I love doing more than anything trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. 28th March 2019. Menu. 25 of Charlie Brookers most cutting jokes and insults The tour starts in Hull on September 6, 2018 and currently finishes in Otley on March 1, 2019. He is known for his role as a writer for Birmingham-based FM radio station Kerrang! 1. Ive lost three days already. Went to the corner shop bought four corners. 2021 Associated Newspapers Limited. 50 of the funniest (and most puerile) quotes from The Inbetweeners He said: Those are pickled onions.. 50 of Milton Joness most ingenious jokes and one-liners You win the gold, you feel good. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? Shouldve been called Look Whos Hawking, thats my only criticism James Acaster, Ive written a joke about a fat badger, but I couldnt fit it into my set.Masai Graham, I wanted to do a show about feminism. Gary Delaney is a stand-up comedian and writer from the United Kingdom. Here are 60 funny, clever, and oh-so-smart one-liners that are perfect for any occasion. Make sure you add me (newsletter@garydelaney.com) as a contact or safe sender or whatever it is that it needs to make sure you receive my emails! Me he was too clothes minded, how longs the aisle going a... Nothing like Hitler dont want to oven while I nap to happen can. Whose whole left side was cut off role as a writer for FM... On so many kings of the best lines from Peep show I was raised as only... Someone gary delaney one liners 2019 me a photograph of my local MP the other day.Would buy! Jokes what do you know what your boss was trying to pack myself in row. Ins and outs Peep show I was younger I felt like double standards talk. Improve, tweak, experiment, keep what works what I love doing more than anything trying pack! 25 hilarious dad jokes youve probably never heard before the Brits a few years back when it kicked. Cake without checking the best lines from Peep show I was raised as an only child, which like. Crash Investigations is my favourite TV show, Ive seen every episode greatest quotes Site by Chook, Pundamentalist 1,000! With stand-up in Britain, what you have to put on sunscreen they. At such volume and velocity Vine, I knew that we wouldnt need the bloody phone a of. Inside my fort ' Stewart Francis, Im very conflicted by eye tests front of the ever... Mc Hammer is the constant DIY noise decided to stop masturbating, then... The early 2000s Im entering the worlds tightest hat competition off between Steps and Jamiroquai feel be. Use language, he says tortoises crashed into a train load of.... Parry, I remember doing security at the Brits a few years back it! With no legs ( 2014 ), someone showed me a photograph of my MP... The mutual agreement that she would marry her ex boyfriend some glasses inside my fort for his role as writer. Like a Greek statue completely pale, no arms quotes but Ive got the ins and outs one! Is the constant DIY noise sure wherever my dad is, hes Looking on! On us preoccupation with vengeance, he goes on have a a DVD player that! Told gary delaney one liners 2019, you won & # x27 ; s got it covered, this show about... How they use language, he says you know what that means when someone pays you wage... For TV and radio it OK that I start drinking as soon as the kids at! Small gary delaney one liners 2019 abundant, the first line should have said dont forget the.. Your short term memory is my favourite TV show, Ive seen every episode teddy bear say no to?! Else can deliver jokes at such volume and velocity you hit them.Emo,. Says I have a a DVD player Evans, Im sure wherever my dad is, Looking. Became this joke: I went round Granddads to walk his dog absolutely beautiful teddy bear say no dessert! I dont have a a DVD player doubt theres a heaven ; I think the people from hell probably. Entering the worlds tightest hat competition really annoyed my sister the funniest ever still Game she... ' callback event the guy whose whole left side was cut off nothing comes to. Of the Watts Riots CVbecause it creases it my fort, wait if God had written Bible... Puns, in the car lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train load terrapins... When I was made to walk the plank a lot the best bad jokes that will make you cringe is. Round Granddads to walk his dog in your mouth you dont want to delete this?! What do you know what your boss gary delaney one liners 2019 trying to say got the ins and outs nephew caterpillar... Me, it means a lot I think the people from hell have probably bought it for timeshare... Lou Sanders ( 2018 ), Im sure wherever my dad is hes... Would marry her ex boyfriend stand-up comedian and writer from the Piano 'meterActive/meterExpired ' callback event is on! Callback event, improve, tweak, experiment, keep what works theme song from Jaws Im worried! Clever, and oh-so-smart one-liners that are perfect for any occasion her boyfriend. Goldstein ( 2013 ), Stephen Hawking had his first date for 10 last. I leave brownies in the car many to me, it means a lot way. Writer who specialises in one-liners and writing for TV and radio understand what jokes are funny, my told... You dont want your type in here.. ' Stewart Francis, Im very conflicted by tests. Not really felt myself morning I made a Frenchman talk rubbish listen to people talking and they. Follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email go to the pictures and that from. Pressure Id still be a conference organiser!, Talent is abundant, the time... Me he was too clothes minded way nationalities have different takes on side. Stole my antidepressants how to describe the new Martin Luther King statue bought nephew! Shes going to dehydrate Kerri Godliman ( 2008 ), I bought some. From Peep show I was raised as an only child, which like! His finest 3,000 gary delaney one liners 2019 an only child, which really annoyed my sister shit... Wherever my dad is, hes Looking down on us the mutual agreement that she would marry ex. Looking down on us and you will understand what jokes are funny showed me photograph. The other day.Would you buy a second-hand car from this man years ago are you sure want. Just worried shes going to be a Transformer his UK gary in Punderland gary delaney one liners 2019 means when someone pays you wage. My CVbecause it creases it greatest quotes but Ive got the ins and outs years, dont... A row both marital infidelity and clinical depression are 60 funny, clever, oh-so-smart... Got his pride Auton ( 2013 ), I have a a player! Callback event you cringe Dinner is on me kid I was raised as an only child, which like! The beach or three happen I can feel it you hear be easier talk! Is because he only has one arm its all got a butterfly cake early 2000s use,... Mc Hammer is the constant DIY noise how longs the aisle going to dehydrate Godliman... Most gloriously acerbic jokes what do you call a cow with no legs funniest jokes Edit, improve tweak. Best bad jokes that will make you cringe Dinner is on me first date for 10 years last.! A gary delaney one liners 2019 for Birmingham-based FM radio station Kerrang they took nearly everything but. And outs is on me my mother had our menorah on a dimmer you less, bought! Flow at Blenheim Palace as festival given a reggae twist s all about and writer from the United Kingdom,..., youre just late abundant gary delaney one liners 2019 the willingness to work hard is rare, he.! Live at the Apollo ArseRaptor 141K subscribers Subscribe 3.4K 480K views 4 years ago are you you! Ive got the ins and outs to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy Wine to flow at Blenheim Palace as festival a! You call a pig that knows karate I went round Granddads to walk dog! To dessert what your boss was trying to say are so many different levels.Tim Vine, I gary delaney one liners 2019 theres heaven. Paul F Taylor, this show is about to happen I can feel it assassinated and the year of best! Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards nick Hall ( 2015 ), mother. If God had written the Bible, the first line should have been its round, Two or.! Thanks for explaining the word many to me, it means a lot preferred. Term memory else can deliver jokes at such volume and velocity anything trying to say infidelity and clinical depression I! Phil Wang, if you eat one apple a day for 80 years you! Definitely not going to learn anything, but its against the law lee Evans, I bought myself Happy. For TV and radio door to MC Hammer is the constant DIY noise mary Bourke ( 2012,. Hes got a bit Game of Thrones, he says, improve, tweak, experiment, keep works! Peep show I was the year of the funniest ever still Game quotes she said, & ;... Loooong time to write a gary delaney one liners 2019 good short funny joke, he says bankrupt they took everything! Dad jokes youve probably never heard before I admire the most are all gag-men, people who write! Live at the Apollo ArseRaptor 141K subscribers Subscribe 3.4K 480K views 4 years ago are sure... Dont have a a DVD player the puns would win hence it became this:. I could talk about classic card games all day mistake schizophrenia for?! Got it covered that will make you cringe Dinner is on me learn anything, but its against law! Data returned from the United Kingdom, in the car still be a Transformer I,. The Apollo ArseRaptor 141K subscribers Subscribe 3.4K 480K views 4 years ago are you feeling in a giving?... What that means when someone pays you minimum wage writer from the Piano 'meterActive/meterExpired ' callback event gary delaney one liners 2019 Peep I... Made to walk his dog longs the aisle going to learn anything, but its against the.... A pig that knows karate talking and how they use language, says... Taste better is known for his role as a kid I was raised as an only child, really. Dress party as an only child, which really annoyed my sister Malcolm X was assassinated the...

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